Thanks for checking out this letter!
May 2, 2018
My update is that Roland has had three cancer free scans. He will get them every three months. We are grateful and blessed.
I am reflecting on the last couple of years’ journey, having to do with Roland’s challenge of cancer and my challenge of dealing with that and my own stuff. The metaphor I start with is that for a minute I think I’m on steady ground. It seemed as if that was not the case when we were reacting to Roland’s diagnosis after diagnosis and surgery after surgery. I felt the ground shaking.
Now I recognize that it always is. Life is always transforming and sometimes it seems steady, like the slow steady growth of a tree. And sometimes it seems dramatic as when lightning strikes part of the tree.
The times I was flowing with the stream of this journey, I felt one with All-That-Is. And when I tried to fight the current I felt separate. When Roland was in the hospital and I was beside him, I felt peaceful. The staff were taking care of him. My presence was a contribution. When I wanted things to be different I became stressed and miserable.
And yet, here is what I have recently noticed. I had gotten used to my life of taking care of Roland and supporting him when another health challenge appeared. I liked spending my time and energy with him and about him getting through. And gradually, that changed. He got better. One cancer free scan. His leg began to heal, finally. Another cancer free scan. He started to take on his own care.
First, I was relieved and so, so tired. I didn’t even know what I needed. I felt a little adrift without a direction. I had to refocus on my journey and go back to our journey. It was a change. Even for the better, I noticed that I had resistance! Surprise, no surprise.
All right, I can adjust. But I needed to go deeper than that. Let’s just say that all my unconscious unhealed parts were still in me! I got to reacquaint myself with those projected and cast aside aspects, the parts I did not like.
That is our walk. I will keep reminding myself and us, that is our walk.
On a wider view, I had been learning to be one in the moment of challenge and accept it. Be with it and not fight it. When the immediate dramatic challenge abated, I was at a loss.
I know that right now I get to learn that there is something beyond acceptance of the moment. I commit to the exquisite balance of accepting what is and committing to what can be. I remind myself to ask for spiritual guidance. How can I contribute to this moment? And how can I contribute to our expanded future?
During challenging times, I sometimes feel as if I can barely hang on. I see my job as just to hang on and not run screaming from the room. And yes, I have run screaming from a few rooms. Eventually, shift happens. What I am playing with and excited about is what to do then. How do I start to show up in my changed room with a changed consciousness?
I’m pretty sure it will be with a lot of asking for spiritual help and a lot of practicing and evolving. I’m pretty sure it will be great and horrible and wonderful.
Let me end with,
Your friend on the path,
July 14, 2017
I’ve been happy and blessed to be the minister at Unity Des Moines for seven years this Thanksgiving! I am writing this as a personal missive, letting you know how I am and how Roland is. Those of you who look at this space may notice that I update it sporadically. I will plan to write consistently because it occurred to me that this is a good place for me to connect about the healing journey we are on. Roland has had a series of health issues. Last year in May he had a procedure to place a mitral clip for his heart. He recovered from that and it seems to be working well for him and I found it another perfect gift from The Universe to process some fears and integrate some lost parts of myself! Smiley face, winking.
Last fall, he was diagnosed with a sarcoma in his leg. The plan was radiation and surgery to remove the sarcoma. We were referred to University of Iowa Hospital from the VA and they have been an awesome medical team and it is two hours away from Des Moines. The big surgery in January to remove the tumor didn’t heal and so Roland has had a series of surgeries to correct that. The last one was long stay in the hospital of ten days and a long recovery with his leg needing to be flat for six weeks. He just got an ok to stand and walk yesterday. Happy dance! In the meantime, he had another surgery to remove a sarcoma from his lung and will be having a surgery to remove one from a lymph node. He may need another surgery on his leg repair.
All of this is just part of our spiritual journey and these circumstances are taking me to places I hadn’t gone to. Let me be transparent in my purposes for writing here. Writing gives me some ease about updating interested friends in the Unity community, it gives me an avenue of self-expression and Self-reflection, and a space to make spiritual connections. I’m talking about connecting circumstances and feelings and reactions to my spiritual journey toward enlightenment. Sounds pretty but let me tell you it isn’t so much.
I have learned the most from my spiritual teachers who trust me enough to share their underbelly and their walk through the fire to the promised land of acceptance. In order for me to progress on my journey as a teacher, I am going to trust myself, the readers of this letter, and All-That-Is.
Today I want to tell you I’m tired. I’m having a hard time accepting that. I go in and out. I think that I shouldn’t be so tired. Or maybe my Doctor has a diagnosis and a miracle tweak that will give me energy. I am well aware of the taking care of myself meme and so I rest and meditate and exercise and eat and talk to people and I am still tired. My spiritual practice around this today is accepting. I am a woman at the table typing and I am also feeling tired. Hey, that is ok. I am letting the brilliant manager part of me know that we are trusting in All-That-Is to take care of “My List” and the rest of the universe. I am looking around at my dining room and out the window. I pause. I feel grateful. I let this moment be. Somehow it is larger, expanded. I’m a bit less contracted. I didn’t even notice I was contracted. Breathe. It is all right. The not all right is all right if you catch my drift and I think you do.
o Practice what is.
If what is is tired, then practice tired. If what is is worried, practice worried. If what is is peaceful, practice peaceful.